I have changed.
I used to be an exciting guy. I used to be the person with their eyes on fire while they talk about their latest idea.
Whenever something bad happened: I soldiered on.
When something good happened: I took it like a sign that I was on the right path.
I’m not like that any more though. I’ve turned into a much more pragmatic and much less energetic person.
Many times I feel like I’m more mature than other people my age, and that’s a good thing. At least it’s sometimes good. It’s good that when I need to face life’s challanges I’m able to make hard decisions and keep my cool about them. It’s good that I can plan my life and weigh the things that influence my future. It sucks that these are the only things I can do.
Instead of learning new stuff every day and being energetic and enthusiastic about my work I turned out to be just another guy: working so he can pay the rent, paying the rent so he can have a place to work from. Isn’t this sad? I think it is.
For many years my main drive in life was my own enthusiasm. I was such an optimist, nothing could bring me down. Looking back I wonder if it was the painted smile of a clown crying under the maskara. I miss being that person though.
Back then I started every new project like a conqueror: "I will explore this new territory and I will win it over". There was no thought of failure in my mind, that was a possibility I never considered.
During the last year I gradually lost most of that drive. I still move forward, but the flame is lost. I find myself saying stuff like "But at least it pays the rent" more and more often, and I don't like it.
I want to be the excited, naive guy I used to be once more.
So here is my new manifesto
I will never do anything again that I can’t find at least a bit interesting.
It doesn’t have to be crazy exciting, but when I think about a project I need to be able to get pumped about at least one major part of it.
I will spend more time on things that truly improve me than things that just pay the rent.
Having a place to live is nice but being able to look in the mirror in five years is a lot nicer.
I will make peace with my personal flaws.
I will work on correcting them but in the meantime I won’t spend a lot of time beating myself up about them. That’s just stupid and impractical.
I will work on what excites me, what I can truly be passionate about.
I will stay up nights if I have to, but I will not give up on ideas I fall in love with just because I don’t yet see a way to have them pay the bills. My passion will always come before logic, reason and practical priorities.
And most importantly:
The rest will figure itself out.
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I am also on twitter, see you there.